On a snowy November day, my daughter Kit and I were dividing up four boxes of tree decorations. Kit, now living on her own, wanted to set up her own Christmas tree. Unpacking the ornaments brought back memories of loss and grief for children who were no longer part of our holiday celebrations.
Over eight years, our family grew and shrank as we welcomed 23 foster children. Most stays were temporary, and during that time, our two children joined us through adoption. I was amazed to discover that Kit remembered the stories behind each homemade ornament, even for those she had never met. It was surprising to find out that her holiday recollections were often different from mine.
As I opened a box, I found a tree topper we received during our first Christmas as a newly married couple. Running my fingers over the crack in the iridescent angel, held together by Krazy Glue, brought back memories of a marriage that couldn’t be fixed. Passing the angel to Kit, I wondered if she would want it given its fragile state. Her eyes sparkled under her festive reindeer hat as she gladly accepted it.
“Do you remember how I always wanted to be the one to put the angel on top of the tree? I never thought I’d be tall enough,” Kit reminisced, and we shared a laugh. “You’ve grown enough now, eh?” And so, the angel found a new home with Kit.
In another box, I found a Santa sleigh and reindeer ornament made by an eight-year-old foster child we cared for in December 1999. It was crafted from foam blocks and pipe cleaners at a foster family Christmas event in our community. Memories of the social worker’s unsuccessful attempt to make him a permanent ward after his five-year stay with us stirred a mix of grief and frustration. We were later prohibited from contacting him, but we hoped he knew how much we cared for him.
Sensing my shift in mood, Kit took the Santa decoration from me. “You always placed this near the bottom of the tree so I could play with it. I love this guy. Look at the flames coming out from the back of the sleigh—just like in the movie,” she remarked. Just like our foster children, Kit preferred watching “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” on Christmas Eve over going to church in the city.
Ensuring inclusivity for foster children during the holidays was a priority for my former husband, our parents, and me. We scheduled our family Christmas dinners on days surrounding Christmas to allow our foster children to spend the holiday with their families. We established a tradition of gifting each child unique ornaments to decorate the tree or keep as a memento when they left our care. This was how the Santa and reindeer ornament crafted by our former foster son became a part of my collection.
Uncovering a pompom reindeer ornament from beneath the packing paper, I remembered how we divided our Christmas decorations twenty years ago during my divorce. I assumed the younger children wouldn’t notice the equal division of possessions, including the silly reindeer ornaments. Kit’s appreciation for Rudolph’s presence regardless of where she spent Christmas revealed important lessons learned from our past.
This year’s tree decorating holds a new promise for me, as Kit’s joyful outlook on our traditions overshadows any lingering sorrow. I eagerly anticipate seeing her tree come to life with our shared memories.
